New Years resolutions just alittle late.

So i am aware that it is March 1st but who says you can't have new years resolutions in the middle of the year?
the first couple months as most people know weren't that great but looking back knowing what i know now i would have changed my outlook on everything that was happening and i'm sure it would have been A LOT better, and that is what is leading me to my 2009 resoluions. The first major thing, i will stop having such a negative attitude towards everything (even if they aren't going exactly how i'd like). I will also solve problems in a calm manner, strive to be more optimistic, and work on my personal relationships with everyone around me. When i've been so down and whiny i didn't realize how self centered i became. Now that i've realized this i know that i have to move on with my life and try to better myself everyday. Everyone hears people say "don't live in the past" and i didn't see that's what i was doing but obviously it was and i will try to stop living that way. Everyday is a new day, and with every new day i have an opportuniy to be a better person than i was the day before. Just because i've had a pretty bad last two months doesn't mean that i can't make this year the best one of my life. That's what i plan on doing. I can't wait to see how everything turns out.
<3

Choices, choices, choices.

Lately i've noticed how one decision can mean the difference between a good day or a bad day, making a friend or loosing a friend, or completely changing your year. When I accept the fact that i was moving to atlanta and actually look for it, that changes. Now i'm still stuck here and i don't know where i'm going to school next year. I really hope for the best. Maybe 2009 won't be quite as bad as i thought.

Dear 2008,

You weren't a wonderful year but I sure wouldn't mind having you back right about now. It's only been 09' for 11 days and i'm already wishing it would be over. I said this year would be a good year but so far it looks like that isn't going to happen. I've lost everything, all the stability in my life. I always said i would like to wake up and have no pattern but it's coming on too fast. I need something normal again. I want to be close to the people I used to be close to, I want to feel important and needed, and I want to be able to be optimistic. I've given up on wishing on 11:11 starting today apparently those haven't worked in a while. I wish that I could control people's emotions for a day to show the world how I feel. I want the late nights of 08' back, I want the days that I had no insecurities back, and most of all I want the closeness that I shared with everyone close to me.
John Bryant has brought me through 08 through everything, that's all I need this year.

09' here we go.!

Well, it's January 2nd and right now i'm pretty disappointed in the way this 09' is going so far. I feel like i've lost everything important that used to be close to me. The only truly important thing that i've gotten closer to is John Bryant, everything else has drifted away. I spent my new years eve taking my mother to a bar followed by a interesting night with John. The nights following and preceding that night were spent arguing with Will, ending in us breaking up. Honestly, this will turn out for the better. Hopefull this year will prove to be the best yet.

Ranting about everything.

I honestly don't remember the last time i've been this annoyed with just everything this much.
The way people are typing and spelling words and the stupid pictures people take seem like such a waste of time. We live in such a great age of technoligical advances and yet people waste everything we have. Instead of using the internet to spread propaganda why don't we use it to better ourselves with knowledge and share ideas on things with others. I feel like everything being right at our fingertips is ruining the personal connections between people. Why see someone in person when you can video chat with them? Why write someone a heart felt letter when you can type something up in half the time? Why play someone a pretty song on an instrument when you can just play some over played song on guitar hero or rockband?
And yes, I'm guilty of being wrapped up in the internet and constantly having my cell phone attached to my hand but that too I believe is ruining actual conversations. How hard is it to pick up a phone and call the person? I wish that I was born in a generation where all relationships with people were more personal. Or I wish people just used the technology today in a less childish manner. Also, I'm aggrivated at people that expect to always get their way. If someone sees something that they like don't you think that it is neccessary for that person to work for it so that they deserve it and can appreciate it? I understand getting gifts and being a little spoiled but when someone sees something and automatically demands that they get it without putting any effort forth it really bothers me. Anyways. I'm going to sleep. Sorry that I just rambled on about annoying things.
goodnight.

"Like sands through the hour glass so are the days of our lives"

That is the quote at the begining of the soap opera "Days of our Lives." These days it seems that the hour glass to my life is dropping one grain of sand per day, things are going so slowly, but at the same time it feels like the things i used to hold so close to me are slipping right through my hands and i can't get a grib on anything that i want to keep. The old friends and my old hobbies are all fading away left as a memory. I miss the feeling of being carefree. Now I carry a burden of trying to not be a burden to anyone else. I don't want to be dependant on anyone but i've found that's nearly impossible to do at the age of fifteen. I wish I had the sense of security I had when I was younger. I wish I wasn't in too deep, giving my all to a person that would never return that same amount of full hearted love. I wish I wasn't so easily blinded by perfection. I wish that I could find more happiness in simple things without having to constantly seek more satisfaction. I am a hypocrite; I say I wish that everyone could find the beauty and perfection in things around them when I can't even see it in myself. If I don't get a grip on the things of my past I need to keep, get a grip on how i'm living my life in the present, and set reachable goals for the future I will keep crying every night before I go to sleep and driving my close friends farther and farther away from me with my constant drifting away.

Its been awhile

Since i've updated. Its been awhile since i've felt this way though.

Quoted from my favorite book, Tuck Everlasting, "The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris Wheel when it pasuses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with black white dawns and glaring noons,and sunsets smeared with too much color. Often at night there is lightening, but it quivers all alone. There is no thunder, no reliever rain. These are strange and breathless days, the dog days, when people are led to do things they are sure to be sorry for after."

I feel that this week is a week much like that. I feel like i'm stuck at the top of a ferris wheel and i can't move. Everything is too quiet and motionless unfortunately it's not even colorful. I need to escape this town for alittle while until i find what i'm searching for. Waking up to the same places and faces everyday just isn't helping me find what i should be doing in life. All i know for sure is that my passion for new things will take me all around the world. Anyways, I am trying to make the best of the situation but that seems harder and harder everyday. Dealing with knowing that the person you love will never share the same amount of love back, knowing that i will always be at a disadvantage because of someones past, and knowing that i must be completely independant because the adults in my life are far too iresponsible to handle things. Well i'm going to find something to do. Byee.