Bonnaroo 2010

I can't wait. I want to go to several other but that one is pretty much ensured. This is gonna be great, no doubt :)

It's a good realization to come to when you figure out what it's all about; life is good

It's enough to wake up, the people and places and things we get are extras, the air in our lungs and the memories in our head are all that really matter.
Of course I don't believe in just being alive, i want to live my life to the fullest. That still doesn't mean I should let myself get bummed out from the little negatives, it's all still a gift. I'd rather be alive and just in a mediocre mood than not being alive at all cause it's life we aren't guaranteed the next minute but if it's there then we have the ability to make it better and better. If i didn't feel like this the move away from my old life would've probably killed me now i'm just happy realizing i'm in a place with boundless oportunities. I can live, I can experience all kinds of things, and my friends are still right here in my heart from the time i wake up till i shut my eyes at night and then they just move into my dreams.
life is good, no ifs ands or buts, be thankful for it.

Somehow it never gets old.

turkey pot pies, cran grape, and the same group of people I'm with on the daily are the three things I can't seem to grow tired of.
It doesn't quite make sense how I can't stand to eat the same kind of cereal after one box is out because I like to switch it up, but I can go to the same place, do the same things, with the same people and I don't seem get tired of it.
These people know who they are and I'm so proud to have them as part of my life.
Being at the park at least 10 minutes a day does get a little old but when I see the same bright shining faces it makes it worth it. And even though when we're together we're always low on money, gas for our cars and i always get karate chopped by savvy being together negates those negatives and it's all just a great time :)
basically, that sums up what i've been doing with my life lately.

they love me, they love me not

It's hard to read people and their motives. If I wasn't so generous would I have the same friends? If I didn't care what people thought of me would I be the same as I am now? If I didn't let people walk all over me would I be considered a bitch? Would I have what I wanted if I didn't care quite as much about what everbody else wants?
I surround myself with various people on a regular basis but how can you ever know what people really think and what is really going on in their minds? you can't. And for me that's so scary.

I'm happy to say that my life is about as good as it gets.

But it scares me half to death when i realize what makes it that way.
If it weren't for you and the things we do i'd have no reason to go on.
Thank you for what you've given me, the taste of life and death at the same time.

How could you be so heartless?

How could I be so gullible?
I should've known better. I should've been more aware of what I was getting into.
The signs were there and I saw them, even took them into consideration, but STILL did the damage to myself.

Anyways, i'm tired of this. Don't get me wrong, i'm so happy. But, i want a different level of happiness. I want to do things and not have a clue what the outcome will be and not care either way. I'm a tough girl but it's begining to wear down and everyone has a breaking point so i can't keep opening up the same wounds.

dear meridth,

If i could send myself a letter from now to a few months ago I would have so much to say. I've realized more in the past year than my many years of private school have taught me. The main thing that you need to know is just because someone is in your life they aren't necessarily your friend; just because someone is your friend doesn't mean they love you and will always be there for you; and just because someone loves you and is there for you doesn't mean they won't hurt you in the end. If I would've figured this out earlier it would've saved so many problems but i guess there are some things you need to learn from first hand experience. Another big thing is don't give up what you want for someone else but don't do something you want that is going to effect you in a bad way that makes others not want to be around you. I gave up my best friend for someone else and their lifestyle and by taking on those things i lost alot more than my best friend and gained alot more negative things. Now that I've realized that, I lost the lifestyle and the friend but gained a better perception of where i should be. I'm thankful for the people that were there in the beginning, they learned to love a person that i hated and now that i have become a person I'm happy with they don't really approve. I guess everyone entered my life at the wrong time. But everything happens for a reason, right? Well i guess the purpose for all of this was to teach me the difference between a real friend and an acquaintance and the difference between a good decision and a horrible one. I'm happy with where i am now, but looking back it's sad to see who i had to go through and what i had to do to get here. I apologize to the people I've hurt or let down on my way here but i guess that's just growing up.

It's like 4th grade dodgeball and the team captains are playing rock, paper, scissors over me.

i don't understand why i have to choose between people or people and the things i like. This is like getting a daily lecture in preschool and they just keep repeating what they say day after day. I want more happy people surrounding me.
surrounding yourself with positive people brings a positive life.

"i would die for you, but i won't live for you"

everyone has to live for his or her life and then make the choice to share it with other people.

Falling into insanity

When I see homeless people sleeping in the park, walking down my street, or standing outside the mission the same thoughts always run through my head: where did they go wrong? what has there life been like? was it one bad decision that caused a snowball effect that changed the path of their success or have they always been at a disadvantage? The large majority of homeless people have a mental disorder whether they developed it from drug dependency or the mental strain of failing and living in the streets. Anyways, I feel more like those people sleeping on park benches everyday. I'm not homeless or living in poverty but I feel like my mental state is fading into something they could connect with. I'm not too familiar with mental illness, but maybe I should start doing some research. I'm not saying I am developing the mindset of a serial killer or anything that bizarre. I feel like it's more of a gift but at the same time it's an overbearing fear. I live in a dual world. From the moment I close my eyes I don't know where I'm going to be or if I'll know if my dreams are actually happening or not. Maybe it's not an illness, maybe it's just who I am, maybe it's my portal to my creativity and it allows me to delve into extreme scenarios and my wildest imaginations. I don't want to end up pushing everyone out of my life and being homeless but this is a side of me that's becoming more dominant with everytime I go to sleep. I'm fearful that this will keep me from being who I should be but from now on I'm going to have a positive outlook and say that this is helping me become myself.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Is definitely a great book, but it has nothing on my biography.

I should get to work on my book again. The story line is amazing.

Dear God,

It seems like everything I do is never enough. My whole life I've been told that we all have our unique talents and gifts. Well, where are mine? The more I try to figure out who I am and where I should be in my life the more confused I get. There is Always someone better at everything so how can I ever feel like I'm doing enough? I try to think of my talents, but every time I think of something I'm decent at I just end up thinking of how bad I am compared to other people. Does anyone ever really come in first place? Because at some point in time either in the past or in the future there will always be someone that can run just a little bit faster or jump a little bit higher. The world is filled with so much unidentified talent. This is what makes me want to find something I'm a little better at to set the standards to a new high, even though there is someone out there or someone in the future that will do it better at least it will make those people trying to be number 1 shoot even higher.

How well do you know me.

I'm sure for most people out there the answer is: Eh, not really that much.
But to the people that know the things I will say before I say them, the exact weird unique thing I'm going to order at Starbucks, and exactly how I like my pizza. Then you'll know that we've really lost contact cause the truth is that the people i was closest to before are nowhere near as close to me as they are now. I'll give a little shout out to the people that have completely changed my life, friend or not.

I'll start off with someone that most would consider my biggest enemy right now. John Bryant: You were my world, you were my everything, you knew me more than my future husband will probably know me. We sacrificed for each other and over 5 years of course we had our ups and downs but it looks like that's got the best of us now. I never expected that we would trade in all of that genuine friendship we had for whatever this is. I'm sure that if you read this you'll laugh, show it to your friends, and call me pathetic or something but it doesn't really matter to me. We've both made our mistakes and it's a part of growing up. But the nights and days we held onto each other through the accomplishments and the let downs, stood on our porches on the phone during tornadoes preaching to the people walking by, and even the petty fights that we would have over everything from big things to whether Cher or Madonna was god; they were the most life changing and memorable times of my 16 year old life. When I think of the last 5 years as a whole you're the first thing that comes to mind. When you told me that when we weren't talking you still wondered about me and everything, just know that i am in the same position now. I will always cherish what we had and maybe one day I'll be with you again going to see your sister in the middle of nowhere or even seeing your Tia Carmen in Cali, if not I'll always hold onto the memories of how it was. Thank you for making me who I am.

Tara Norman: I'll put you next, I've known you for the last 5 years too. Unfortunately it had a shaky start and even a pretty bad middle but really I knew that we'd always end up where we are. Though we hardly ever see each other or even talk much anymore whenever I do see you it's like picking up right where we left off. I feel so comfortable around you and honestly trust you more than pretty much anyone I know. You're so intelligent and you have everything so much more together than anyone else I know at this age. When I think of you I always see someone that's an inspiration, you seem fearless and so sure and set on your goals. I know that one day your amazing personality combined with you inner and outer beauty will take you so far and I really hope I'm in your life to see where it takes you. Thank you for giving me your loving support through the years, I know that I can rely on you and you're one of the most stable things I have. I love you.

William Bogue: You became the biggest part of my life for quite a while there, even to the point it drove others away from me. I guess I could say that it was worth it. You taught me so much in a pretty short amount of time compared to some of the other people I've known for years. I felt some wonderful things like how such strong feelings could grow in a short amount of time and then I learned that those feelings don't necessarily go away when it's over. I learned to not be so vulnerable but i also learned that you'll be there for me when I need you. I'm really happy that you are still such an influential part of my life. I'm sorry for the pain and problems we put it each other through but without those things we wouldn't have been so close and that is why I'm thankful for every moment that you've been in my life.

Paris Smith: I know we barely talk anymore either but without your inspirational loving and caring friendship I wouldn't be where i am now. You and your family have been so nice to me for the past few years. I don't just see you as a friend; You are a best friend, a hero, an inspiration, a role model, and so much more. You kept me on track and never hesitated on correcting me when you knew I was wrong. I will always remember all the wonderful times we've had together. My fascination with your dad and uncle and our annual trick or treating along with your firm kindness to look out for me have helped sculpt me into the person I am today. I love you :)

Ginda and Mrs.Vicki: I know you two read my blog from time to time so I'll have a shout out on here to the two of you as well. First of all both of you were like parental figures to me. Ginda, you always supported me and encouraged me in anything I wished to pursue. Mrs.Vicki, you treated me like your own child and opened your home to me like no one else has in my life. Both of you are out of my life now, but you'll both always be somewhere in my heart. If it's as simple as remembering the taste of Gindas delicious food or the fun memories I had in Atlanta, California, the floating cabins, or Tennessee with Mrs.Vicki and John. As much drama, lies, and complications that are going around right now it doesn't seem like any of us could have ever been as close as we were and we may never be that way again, but regardless you both impacted my life in a big way and though I may have disappointed you or continue to do so throughout my life just know that everything that either of you taught me and helped me with in my life is still appreciated. Thank you for everything.

...I'll finish some more later but at the moment I'm at my grandparents on dial up Internet sooo I'll work on it later.

What can i say?

Since the last time I posted almost everything has changed.
I don't have a working computer at the moment so to get on I have to get onto whoevers computer I can when I can.
I recently turned sixteen and to my disappointment I didn't feel some huge physical and emotional change burst over me at the moment the clock turned to 12:00 on April 9th. I did take a step back as I blew out my candles and thought about the wishes, goals, and expectations I held for myself over this coming year. After a long weekend of eye opening events and the following weekend used as a time for reflection I began to see how my young life was folding out and the transformation from a mere child to a young adult wasn't as easy or pleasant as I had wished for. Through loosing the ones closest to me and having the people I saw as genuine friends completely change I've realized how important it is to separate the true friends from the "friends." I can hangout and party with people every weekend, but that doesn't define the person I am. It also doesn't mean that they are my best friends, that i trust them fully, or that they're going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I'm happy to see the people around me moving on to bigger and better things, and maybe I am the one that is moving on too but I do miss some things in my life. I pray daily for the strength to be optimistic, forgiving, and find myself and the right people to surround myself with. Hopefully over this next year I can do those things. Until those are complete I appreciate the positive support I get from the positive people around me.
<3

What if...?

I'd never changed middle schools. I would have went to mountain gap and the grissom or Huntsville high. I would have never became friends with my best friends, I would have never started going to carousel and met all those people, and I wouldn't be anything like i am now. I'm not saying that my life would not have been good if I'd grown up that way, but it sure would be a lot different. I'm so happy with who I've become. It's not close to perfect but I'm getting better and better.
so if you're in my life I'm very thankful for you, whether you've impacted my entire life or we barely know each other.
i love you all<3

does true love really exist?

i need to know that it's possible for someone to stay in love forever.
I personally think the only way a long term relationship or marriage will happily work is if both partners are in love the exact same amount.
If the girl is in love with the boy but he isn't he will know he has WAY more control and she'll put more effort into the relationship than he does and he'll push her away to a certain extint and eventually she'll see what's happening and get tired of being a under so much control.
If the boy is in love but the girl isn't it will be pretty much the same situation except the other way around. The girl will play the guy and make him feel like he isn't needed eventually, most of the time guys just don't show how much power women have over them besides the sexual control.
I think that even a slight off balance in this can cause the relationship to go down hill because over time one of them is going to get tired of pretending or the other one will get tired of putting so much effort forth.
i don't even know why i'm rambling about this i just need to realize that love is more complex than what meets the eye but not out of reach.

if i could truly hate someone...

it would be you, no doubt in my mind.
i'd rip you apart one piece at a time.
i hope you overdose, i hope you cry.
i hope the drugs eat away your mind.
the good and the bad will no longer reside in your memory
your mind, a sphere, that just becomes your enemy.
cold and alone is how you spend your old age
thinking of the way things could've been changed.
one day you'll regret it, you'll open your eyes and see
the person you could've turned out to be.

To make you feel for me how i feel for you, for a day, would blow you away, that's all i'm gonna say.

I'm VERY satisfied with the way things are going. The new years resolutions I made a few days ago are seeming to work out for the better. I find myself complaining alot less and finding more positives in the midst of all the negativity in this world. I've let go of so much that was holding me back. I'm more independant now and I love it.
I miss things, I miss my old close friends, I miss constant stability.
I love the new me and the direction I'm heading in A LOT more.

love everyone<3

the way you make me feel

is like the best roller coaster i've ever experienced.
But like all rides eventually you start to get a little motion sick.

I thought I knew what it was all about; I was wrong.
I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into; I had no idea.
I expected it to be so much different; I underestimated it all.

dare to dream

My favorite post secret atm.

New Years resolutions just alittle late.

So i am aware that it is March 1st but who says you can't have new years resolutions in the middle of the year?
the first couple months as most people know weren't that great but looking back knowing what i know now i would have changed my outlook on everything that was happening and i'm sure it would have been A LOT better, and that is what is leading me to my 2009 resoluions. The first major thing, i will stop having such a negative attitude towards everything (even if they aren't going exactly how i'd like). I will also solve problems in a calm manner, strive to be more optimistic, and work on my personal relationships with everyone around me. When i've been so down and whiny i didn't realize how self centered i became. Now that i've realized this i know that i have to move on with my life and try to better myself everyday. Everyone hears people say "don't live in the past" and i didn't see that's what i was doing but obviously it was and i will try to stop living that way. Everyday is a new day, and with every new day i have an opportuniy to be a better person than i was the day before. Just because i've had a pretty bad last two months doesn't mean that i can't make this year the best one of my life. That's what i plan on doing. I can't wait to see how everything turns out.
<3

Choices, choices, choices.

Lately i've noticed how one decision can mean the difference between a good day or a bad day, making a friend or loosing a friend, or completely changing your year. When I accept the fact that i was moving to atlanta and actually look for it, that changes. Now i'm still stuck here and i don't know where i'm going to school next year. I really hope for the best. Maybe 2009 won't be quite as bad as i thought.

Dear 2008,

You weren't a wonderful year but I sure wouldn't mind having you back right about now. It's only been 09' for 11 days and i'm already wishing it would be over. I said this year would be a good year but so far it looks like that isn't going to happen. I've lost everything, all the stability in my life. I always said i would like to wake up and have no pattern but it's coming on too fast. I need something normal again. I want to be close to the people I used to be close to, I want to feel important and needed, and I want to be able to be optimistic. I've given up on wishing on 11:11 starting today apparently those haven't worked in a while. I wish that I could control people's emotions for a day to show the world how I feel. I want the late nights of 08' back, I want the days that I had no insecurities back, and most of all I want the closeness that I shared with everyone close to me.
John Bryant has brought me through 08 through everything, that's all I need this year.

09' here we go.!

Well, it's January 2nd and right now i'm pretty disappointed in the way this 09' is going so far. I feel like i've lost everything important that used to be close to me. The only truly important thing that i've gotten closer to is John Bryant, everything else has drifted away. I spent my new years eve taking my mother to a bar followed by a interesting night with John. The nights following and preceding that night were spent arguing with Will, ending in us breaking up. Honestly, this will turn out for the better. Hopefull this year will prove to be the best yet.