Dear God,

It seems like everything I do is never enough. My whole life I've been told that we all have our unique talents and gifts. Well, where are mine? The more I try to figure out who I am and where I should be in my life the more confused I get. There is Always someone better at everything so how can I ever feel like I'm doing enough? I try to think of my talents, but every time I think of something I'm decent at I just end up thinking of how bad I am compared to other people. Does anyone ever really come in first place? Because at some point in time either in the past or in the future there will always be someone that can run just a little bit faster or jump a little bit higher. The world is filled with so much unidentified talent. This is what makes me want to find something I'm a little better at to set the standards to a new high, even though there is someone out there or someone in the future that will do it better at least it will make those people trying to be number 1 shoot even higher.

How well do you know me.

I'm sure for most people out there the answer is: Eh, not really that much.
But to the people that know the things I will say before I say them, the exact weird unique thing I'm going to order at Starbucks, and exactly how I like my pizza. Then you'll know that we've really lost contact cause the truth is that the people i was closest to before are nowhere near as close to me as they are now. I'll give a little shout out to the people that have completely changed my life, friend or not.

I'll start off with someone that most would consider my biggest enemy right now. John Bryant: You were my world, you were my everything, you knew me more than my future husband will probably know me. We sacrificed for each other and over 5 years of course we had our ups and downs but it looks like that's got the best of us now. I never expected that we would trade in all of that genuine friendship we had for whatever this is. I'm sure that if you read this you'll laugh, show it to your friends, and call me pathetic or something but it doesn't really matter to me. We've both made our mistakes and it's a part of growing up. But the nights and days we held onto each other through the accomplishments and the let downs, stood on our porches on the phone during tornadoes preaching to the people walking by, and even the petty fights that we would have over everything from big things to whether Cher or Madonna was god; they were the most life changing and memorable times of my 16 year old life. When I think of the last 5 years as a whole you're the first thing that comes to mind. When you told me that when we weren't talking you still wondered about me and everything, just know that i am in the same position now. I will always cherish what we had and maybe one day I'll be with you again going to see your sister in the middle of nowhere or even seeing your Tia Carmen in Cali, if not I'll always hold onto the memories of how it was. Thank you for making me who I am.

Tara Norman: I'll put you next, I've known you for the last 5 years too. Unfortunately it had a shaky start and even a pretty bad middle but really I knew that we'd always end up where we are. Though we hardly ever see each other or even talk much anymore whenever I do see you it's like picking up right where we left off. I feel so comfortable around you and honestly trust you more than pretty much anyone I know. You're so intelligent and you have everything so much more together than anyone else I know at this age. When I think of you I always see someone that's an inspiration, you seem fearless and so sure and set on your goals. I know that one day your amazing personality combined with you inner and outer beauty will take you so far and I really hope I'm in your life to see where it takes you. Thank you for giving me your loving support through the years, I know that I can rely on you and you're one of the most stable things I have. I love you.

William Bogue: You became the biggest part of my life for quite a while there, even to the point it drove others away from me. I guess I could say that it was worth it. You taught me so much in a pretty short amount of time compared to some of the other people I've known for years. I felt some wonderful things like how such strong feelings could grow in a short amount of time and then I learned that those feelings don't necessarily go away when it's over. I learned to not be so vulnerable but i also learned that you'll be there for me when I need you. I'm really happy that you are still such an influential part of my life. I'm sorry for the pain and problems we put it each other through but without those things we wouldn't have been so close and that is why I'm thankful for every moment that you've been in my life.

Paris Smith: I know we barely talk anymore either but without your inspirational loving and caring friendship I wouldn't be where i am now. You and your family have been so nice to me for the past few years. I don't just see you as a friend; You are a best friend, a hero, an inspiration, a role model, and so much more. You kept me on track and never hesitated on correcting me when you knew I was wrong. I will always remember all the wonderful times we've had together. My fascination with your dad and uncle and our annual trick or treating along with your firm kindness to look out for me have helped sculpt me into the person I am today. I love you :)

Ginda and Mrs.Vicki: I know you two read my blog from time to time so I'll have a shout out on here to the two of you as well. First of all both of you were like parental figures to me. Ginda, you always supported me and encouraged me in anything I wished to pursue. Mrs.Vicki, you treated me like your own child and opened your home to me like no one else has in my life. Both of you are out of my life now, but you'll both always be somewhere in my heart. If it's as simple as remembering the taste of Gindas delicious food or the fun memories I had in Atlanta, California, the floating cabins, or Tennessee with Mrs.Vicki and John. As much drama, lies, and complications that are going around right now it doesn't seem like any of us could have ever been as close as we were and we may never be that way again, but regardless you both impacted my life in a big way and though I may have disappointed you or continue to do so throughout my life just know that everything that either of you taught me and helped me with in my life is still appreciated. Thank you for everything.

...I'll finish some more later but at the moment I'm at my grandparents on dial up Internet sooo I'll work on it later.

What can i say?

Since the last time I posted almost everything has changed.
I don't have a working computer at the moment so to get on I have to get onto whoevers computer I can when I can.
I recently turned sixteen and to my disappointment I didn't feel some huge physical and emotional change burst over me at the moment the clock turned to 12:00 on April 9th. I did take a step back as I blew out my candles and thought about the wishes, goals, and expectations I held for myself over this coming year. After a long weekend of eye opening events and the following weekend used as a time for reflection I began to see how my young life was folding out and the transformation from a mere child to a young adult wasn't as easy or pleasant as I had wished for. Through loosing the ones closest to me and having the people I saw as genuine friends completely change I've realized how important it is to separate the true friends from the "friends." I can hangout and party with people every weekend, but that doesn't define the person I am. It also doesn't mean that they are my best friends, that i trust them fully, or that they're going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I'm happy to see the people around me moving on to bigger and better things, and maybe I am the one that is moving on too but I do miss some things in my life. I pray daily for the strength to be optimistic, forgiving, and find myself and the right people to surround myself with. Hopefully over this next year I can do those things. Until those are complete I appreciate the positive support I get from the positive people around me.
<3