I'm happy to say that my life is about as good as it gets.

But it scares me half to death when i realize what makes it that way.
If it weren't for you and the things we do i'd have no reason to go on.
Thank you for what you've given me, the taste of life and death at the same time.

How could you be so heartless?

How could I be so gullible?
I should've known better. I should've been more aware of what I was getting into.
The signs were there and I saw them, even took them into consideration, but STILL did the damage to myself.

Anyways, i'm tired of this. Don't get me wrong, i'm so happy. But, i want a different level of happiness. I want to do things and not have a clue what the outcome will be and not care either way. I'm a tough girl but it's begining to wear down and everyone has a breaking point so i can't keep opening up the same wounds.

dear meridth,

If i could send myself a letter from now to a few months ago I would have so much to say. I've realized more in the past year than my many years of private school have taught me. The main thing that you need to know is just because someone is in your life they aren't necessarily your friend; just because someone is your friend doesn't mean they love you and will always be there for you; and just because someone loves you and is there for you doesn't mean they won't hurt you in the end. If I would've figured this out earlier it would've saved so many problems but i guess there are some things you need to learn from first hand experience. Another big thing is don't give up what you want for someone else but don't do something you want that is going to effect you in a bad way that makes others not want to be around you. I gave up my best friend for someone else and their lifestyle and by taking on those things i lost alot more than my best friend and gained alot more negative things. Now that I've realized that, I lost the lifestyle and the friend but gained a better perception of where i should be. I'm thankful for the people that were there in the beginning, they learned to love a person that i hated and now that i have become a person I'm happy with they don't really approve. I guess everyone entered my life at the wrong time. But everything happens for a reason, right? Well i guess the purpose for all of this was to teach me the difference between a real friend and an acquaintance and the difference between a good decision and a horrible one. I'm happy with where i am now, but looking back it's sad to see who i had to go through and what i had to do to get here. I apologize to the people I've hurt or let down on my way here but i guess that's just growing up.

It's like 4th grade dodgeball and the team captains are playing rock, paper, scissors over me.

i don't understand why i have to choose between people or people and the things i like. This is like getting a daily lecture in preschool and they just keep repeating what they say day after day. I want more happy people surrounding me.
surrounding yourself with positive people brings a positive life.

"i would die for you, but i won't live for you"

everyone has to live for his or her life and then make the choice to share it with other people.

Falling into insanity

When I see homeless people sleeping in the park, walking down my street, or standing outside the mission the same thoughts always run through my head: where did they go wrong? what has there life been like? was it one bad decision that caused a snowball effect that changed the path of their success or have they always been at a disadvantage? The large majority of homeless people have a mental disorder whether they developed it from drug dependency or the mental strain of failing and living in the streets. Anyways, I feel more like those people sleeping on park benches everyday. I'm not homeless or living in poverty but I feel like my mental state is fading into something they could connect with. I'm not too familiar with mental illness, but maybe I should start doing some research. I'm not saying I am developing the mindset of a serial killer or anything that bizarre. I feel like it's more of a gift but at the same time it's an overbearing fear. I live in a dual world. From the moment I close my eyes I don't know where I'm going to be or if I'll know if my dreams are actually happening or not. Maybe it's not an illness, maybe it's just who I am, maybe it's my portal to my creativity and it allows me to delve into extreme scenarios and my wildest imaginations. I don't want to end up pushing everyone out of my life and being homeless but this is a side of me that's becoming more dominant with everytime I go to sleep. I'm fearful that this will keep me from being who I should be but from now on I'm going to have a positive outlook and say that this is helping me become myself.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Is definitely a great book, but it has nothing on my biography.

I should get to work on my book again. The story line is amazing.